I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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