Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
