College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
