My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
