dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
