And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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