i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
