i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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