Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
