Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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