Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Let's get the cat blown out
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
