My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
barbara walters just said penis...
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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