Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
