When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
