This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
