My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
