This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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