are you still at the devil's house?
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
