it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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