there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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