If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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