watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
