he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i will never coherently bang her
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
