got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize