It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so let's talk penis.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
