i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
