I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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