I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
