she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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