i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize