it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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