if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
