don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
