I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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