my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
