I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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