Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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