Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
