Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
