Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Where is the hickey?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
