Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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