At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
