my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
