Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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