Im at strip club and am horny
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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