Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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