who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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