mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
