Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
