she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
