Got a toothbrush?
Can Purell be used as lube?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
