the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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