Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
