i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
