I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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