I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
