saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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