Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
