If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
