He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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